The media appears to have universally seized upon the case of the 3-timing Wisconsin adulterer as it’s Monday morning puff piece.

Frankly, I usually get my weekly dose of ugly during our local CBS (WCTV) affiliate’s  “Monday Morning Makeover” which features a viewer-submitted letter, read by Tristan Sanders, extolling the virtues of some poor, downtrodden martyr whose endless struggles to better the daily lives of her friends and family has exacted a personol toll of toil and drudgery which earns her a “queen for a day” style pampering at the sponsoring beauty salon. The station serves the Big Bend area, including much of south Georgia from which to round up some of the nastiest skanks in all God’s creation. As the reading of the testimonial letter ends, I await with much anticipation the “before and after” photos of what ultimatly ends up, without fail, to be a hopeless case of BUTT UGLY, which no amount of cosmetic manipulation can ever hope to conceal.

BUT TODAY, I was transported to the state of Wisconsin, where adultery is actually a Federal offense. And if this brief glimpse of the women of Wisconsin is representative of the gender at large, we can clearly see why federal intervention is necessary to curb the wanderings of its men. As I sipped my morning coffee, I had to rub my eyes when the photo appeared of the 3 women that this guy apparently cheated with, and – believe it of not -  a fourth subject’s face was COVERED WITH A BLACK SACK!! It was not clear as to whether the masked identity was that of the adulterer or his wife, but I was thankful that the face was covered, as I’m not sure I can handle a 4th dose of ugly that powerful first thing in the morning. In fact, I am certain that the charge will escalate from adultery to attempted manslaughter, as each of these women appears to have been beaten within an inch of her life with the proverbial ugly stick!

The image of the 3 scornfull cheese-State skanks and the sack-faced mystery subject appeared on other stations as I attempted to veer away from the accident, even as reporters told of the victim’s vengeful recourse of super-gluing the man’s penis to his navel. As I changed from station to station, unable to avoid this train wreck of human homeliness, one reporter stated that the man could get as much as six years of jail time, and the Fox channel provided legal opinion on the matter, from alternating attorneys.

My final judgement however, would take into consideration the likelihood that any prolonged jail sentencing of the nameless Wisconsin adulterer might have the unintended consequence that he acheive a more satisfying sexual experience behind bars than in the Wisconsin hotels where he perpetrated whatever acts of adultery that this writer cringes at the thought of, with so nasty a trio as to make “butting up to Bubba” somehow seem not so bad.

The U.S. may be facing it’s worst economic collapse since the Great Depression, but if Miss Wisconsin makes it as a finalist in the Miss America Beauty pageant, I’ll be validating my passport the day after for sure.

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